Chapter Four

Death is quiet. Life is so much louder. Mark didn’t know how long he stayed suspended in his car, nor did it really matter. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears; his eyes were blurred and disorientated. Mark was certain something was wrong, he didn’t know how he’d gotten to where he was now, in the dark and cold, but his legs looked funny and his head felt twisted at the wrong angle. He was not even certain he was awake. His consciences faded in and out, silence was all around him like an all-encompassing blanket, and it was suffocating. Mark wasn’t a doctor, but he knew something was wrong with his lungs, they felt heavy, every breath he drew wasn’t enough. A pressure settled in his skull, he groaned softly as the pressure increased until he was certain his head was going to explode, then darkness. Always the all-encompassing darkness.

Flashing lights danced on the snow around Jason’s feet. Five police cars were parked at all angles at the bottom of Gary’s drive, two paramedic cars had been screeched to a halt where Mark’s car had flown off the road and an ambulance stood, its back doors open whilst the paramedics footprints followed the tire tracks down into the woods.

It had been 2 am when Jason and Howard had decided to call it a night, Chloe had gotten a taxi and Sue had stayed a little longer with Gary. Robbie and Kate had left earlier, giggling with their arms around each other. They hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary as they pulled their car carefully out of the driveway but then Jason had pointed out the tire tracks that veered out into the woods. Through instinct alone they had stopped the car and hurriedly followed the tracks, a flashlight leading the way. They’d spotted Mark’s car almost immediately, the bottom end sticking out of the ditch. Shouting his name they’d rushed to the sides, Mark’s body was crumpled over the wheel, they couldn’t see his face but they were certain his breath had stopped. Swearing almost hysterically they had dialed emergency services, the paramedics told them not to touch Mark’s body until they got there for fear his organs would fail. Then they had arrived in a mass of flashing lights, roaring engines and shouts.

The paramedics kindly asked Howard and Jason to wait by the road with the ambulance and that is where they stood now. Jason had rejected Howard’s attempts to comfort him, but Howard’s arm lay around his waist anyway. They stood in silence, unsure what to say, how to feel. Beside them Gary and Sue stood also in silence. Gary hadn’t uttered a word when they’d told him of the accident, his face had simply… changed. Like he simply didn’t know what to do with the information that Mark had lain close to death at the bottom of his drive whilst they laughed and chatted in the comfort of his home. He should of followed him out, he should of made sure he was okay. It was his fault; Gary knew it was his fault. He wasn’t sure why it was his fault but something in the way Mark had left the house made him know that it had been something he said.

Beside him Sue sniffled back some tears, wiping them on her sleeve. Gary didn’t cry. He wasn’t a crier, neither was Howard or Jason, they all stood with their eyes forward watching, waiting for the paramedics to bring Mark’s body out from the woods to the ambulance. Gary knew if they covered Mark’s face he was dead, but if they didn’t there was hope. There had to be hope. Gary couldn’t even begin to think of the implications if Mark died. The word ‘died’ was like a bad taste in his mouth, he rejected it. It couldn’t be. If Mark died, Gary had already made up his mind that he would die too. He didn’t care if it was the biggest cliché in the world, he didn’t care if a million people had said the same before him and had never carried it out. If Mark died, Gary died; it was as simple as that.

“They’re coming.” Said Howard, they all rushed forward as four paramedics carried a stretcher up the side of the hill. Gary held his breath.

The paramedics maneuvered the stretcher to the side to put it on the ambulance. Gary exhaled. A blanket did not cover marks face. There was hope. However in a way Gary wished he hadn’t seen Mark’s face, it wasn’t the vibrant face he was so used to seeing, so full of life… it was a grey and old looking face covered nearly completely by an oxygen mask and fitted tightly into a neck brace. Bruises covered the one hand Gary could see; it was hanging lifelessly over the side, Gary turned away. He didn’t want to look anymore. Sue wrapped her arms around him.

“He’s going to be okay.” She said in his ear. “He’s going to be okay.” She repeated as if you make certain he heard her.

The ambulance roared into the distance, lights flashing, its piercing siren cutting into the night. A paramedic approached them, his face grave.

“Whats the deal? Is he going to be alright?” Jason asked, his words were flat and cold.

The paramedic looked at them all. “Your from that band right? Take That, my wife’s fan.”

“Perhaps we could discuss your wife’s taste in music after you tell us whether Mark is going to be alright.” Jason’s voice was loud enough to make Sue jump, his teeth were gritted.

The paramedic looked down guiltily. “He took a nasty crash, his ribs were sent into his lungs upon impact and they filled with blood, we are unsure how long he spent without oxygen, but it looks like he spent a while suspended in that car.”

Gary looked away. It looks like he spent a while suspended in that car. If only Gary had bothered to see if he had driven away safely.

“He broke both his legs, with possible spinal and neck strain.” The paramedic tucked his pen back into his pocket. “We are fairly certain his neck is not broken however and damage to his spine looks minimal, as long as his brain was not starved of oxygen for too long, he should recover… but I cannot tell you anything for certain.”

Sue hugged Gary closer and Jason finally accepted Howard’s embrace. Howard held tightly onto Jason’s back.

“We’ll take our car to the hospital, Gary, Sue you ride with the paramedics.” Howard said. His throat hurt as he spoke.

“I’ll take my car.” Gary said quietly. It was the first thing they had all heard him say since the news.

“Sir, with due respect, you are in no space to drive, especially on these roads.” The paramedic said, concern causing his eyebrows to furrow. “Why don’t you and your friend come with me?”

Gary hated the idea of being ferried around and he didn’t much care for the Paramedics patronizing tone. Although he supposed they were right, he wasn’t in any state to drive. Jesus Christ, he had never felt like this before. It was all too much, the situation was suffocating him, he just wanted Mark to be all right, he just wanted to be able to see him smile again. Was that too much to ask?

“Is that too much to fucking ask?” He said out loud to no one in particular.

The paramedic, thinking he was talking to him, looked taken aback. “Of course not, come on, let’s go.”

Gary followed reluctantly, Sue slid in the car beside him. She took his hand. He was grateful for the warmth of her palm on his. He turned to her and buried his face in her neck. Her smell was comforting. Sue stroked his hair like a child all the way there. Her tears falling like raindrops onto the top of his head.

***

Eight hours passed in the hospital without a word from the paramedics. Robbie had arrived three hours ago, his face pinched with grief. Chloe was now also sat with them all. Barely more than one or two words had passed between the friends. Gary sat with his head in his hands, he hadn’t moved for those hours, or slept. His eyes looked bruised and bloodshot from lack of sleep. Sue sat with him. He hadn’t made eye contact with her again since the car but he was grateful for her presence.

The tip tapping sound of a surgeons shoe broke through the silence. The only other noise was the sound of paparazzi outside. They had all thus far refused to make a statement as to Mark’s condition.

They all looked up as the doctor entered the room, a clipboard held to his chest.

“He’s still alive.” The doctor said plainly. “But we had to induce him into a coma from which we are unsure when he will awaken, he had a lucky escape but he could be in here for a while.”

“Can we see him?” Gary said, hardly recognizing his own voice for its hoarseness.

The doctor nodded. “Yes I’ll show you the way.”

“I don’t want to see him yet.” Jason said, chewing on the side of his thumb.

“I’ll stay with you.” Howard said.

“You go Gary.” Sue said, rubbing his arm. “You see him, I think you need to.”

Gary stood slowly. “Will he be able to hear me?”

“That I cannot answer.” The doctor said. “Sometimes they can hear you, sometimes they cant, it is most likely even if they do hear you the wont remember what was said.”

Jason stood up and grabbed Gary’s shoulder unexpectedly. “You’ve got to tell him, tell him how you feel, if he can hear you or not you have to say something, because if he… if he… if he dies without knowing you’ll never fucking forgive yourself.” His words were choked with emotion.

Something wet and cold was crawling down Gary’s chin. He lifted his fingers and touched the moisture. Tears. He had always wondered what would make him cry. Jason looked him dead in the eye.

“Tell him.” He said once more, before sitting back down next to Howard.

The doctor cleared his throat. “This way.”

Gary followed the doctor down the long white halls. God how he hated hospitals, how he hated the sickly sweet smell of death that lingered around. He hated the sense of pain that drifted from every heavy white door. They moved into intensive care and that sense of dread settled in Gary’s stomach.

They stopped at the end of the hall.

“I’ll leave you alone, ring the bell if there are any problems.” With that the doctor left.

Gary stood with his hand on the door handle. He had often thought about how he would tell Mark how he felt about him. He had never imagined he would do it like this, as Mark perched on the edge of death. He imagined he’d tell him over a romantic dinner. He fished in his pocket and pulled out the letter he hadn’t finished reading earlier. He took it and ripped it to pieces, he didn’t care if Mark didn’t love him back. Mark had to know how he felt because Jason was right; Gary couldn’t let Mark die without ever knowing the truth. Nothings ever how you imagine it to be.

Gary pushed the door open and looked down at the figure that lay on the bed. Mark’s face was pale, lifeless, small tubes ran from his nose and electrodes were strapped to his chest measuring his heartbeat. Gary watched his chest rise and fall unevenly and felt sick all over again.

Slowly he sat down in the seat next to the bed.

“Mark.” His voice cracked with emotion. He steadied himself. “I cried today… I don’t cry… I don’t ever cry. I cried at the thought that I’d never see you smile again. But then there is something special about you. The truth is… What the truth really is… what I feel is.” Splotches of wet appeared on his t-shirt, the tears that fell fresh from his eyes surprised him as much as the previous ones had. “What I want to tell you is… For fuck sake!” Gary exclaimed standing from his chair and pounding his fist on the wall. Why couldn’t he tell him? Why the fuck couldn’t he just tell him?

“I just want to tell you…” He sat back down, not recognizing his own chocked voice. “Fucking hell I just want to tell you something, I want you to be okay and I want to tell you… I fucking need you to be okay so I can talk to you. Please, I swear I’ll tell you if you wake up. I swear.” He let his head drop back down in defeat.

If Gary had of lifted his head just then, he would of seen Marks fingers curl, or even if he had read the letter which would of told him Mark loved him to. But then we never do, do we? We never see what is right in front of us.